I Am Depression

I barely sleep, I don't eat much, everything tastes funny. I have dark circles under my eyes.  I am listless and approach everyday life with no enthusiasm.  I barely cook, I don't clean. I constantly have a headache, or stomachache, or my body is sore.  I take too many pills.  I crave isolation. I have nightmares.  My anxiety is back full throttle.  I have developed some interesting OCD tendencies.  I can't concentrate.  I forget things easily.  I have to have someone help me pay the bills.  I can't remember where I put anything.  I have no patience.  I cry all the time.  I make stupid choices.  My husband told me he misses my laugh.  I can't remember if I smiled today.  I twitch.  My hands shake in the mornings.  I have self-harmed after five years of not cutting myself.  I smoke too much.  I lay in bed in a ball and hold my pillow every night.  I don't watch TV, I read without joy, I quit painting.

I am Depression.

This is my world.

This isn't "just make yourself do it."  This isn't "I was sad too, once."  This isn't, "just think happy thoughts."

I am Depression. 

This is my life, this is every single day.  This is me not celebrating my children or my husband.  This is me trying to survive, everyday.  There is no lower for me.  I have reached bottom.

I am going to see an actual Psychiatrist in 17 days.  

I've lost my fucking mind.  And everyday I search for it.  And i'll keep searching until I'm better. I'm never going to give up. 

I am Depression, but the real me is in there, somewhere.