Real Advice for my Offspring

I've noticed an influx of syrupy, sentimental bilge like "A Letter To My Son" or "18 Things I Want My Daughter to Know" all over Pinterest and various blogs.  After reading a few, and dismissing them as pure rubbish I decided I needed to make one of my own.

Some shit you need to know:

1. Continuously scraping your shoes across the floor at school so the front wears off two weeks after I bought you a new pair pisses me off.  Stop it.  It makes us look destitute. I know you get irritated when I bitch about it.  My future grandchild will come home on the second day of school with scuffed up shoes and seeing them will ignite a rage in you that is almost inexplicable   Then you'll understand, and I will accept your apology with minimal amounts of smugness.

2. I give you bites of my food but I really don't want to.  I'm going to retaliate when i'm old and pretending to be addled.  Let's see how you like half chewed food spit back onto your plates and backwash. Don't fall into this trap with my future grandchildren.

3. Nobody likes people who can't properly wipe their own ass.

4. Always remember to continue walking after you trip.  Don't look around to see if anyone noticed. just strut. But if  someone you know does it, make sure you point and laugh loudly. Sometimes being an asshole is funny.

5. You can like really nerdy books, movies, and music but you must pretend you don't.  You will be ridiculed by everyone, including me.  Keep it to yourself.  No one needs to know you have Don Henley's greatest hits in your minivan's CD player.  Not that I do, i'm just using that as an example.  I am nowhere near that lame.  For reals.

6. Never judge a book by it's cover, unless the cover is of the movie adaptation.

7. If you're going to pretend to be sick, do it up big.

8. 'No one can make choice for you' is a load of crap. People make choices for me all the time.  It's how you adapt to them that shows how awesome you care.

9. It's normal to grieve.  Anyone who ever tells you different is a sociopath.  Run, don't walk, away.

10. Making bad choices can be lots of fun. Just make sure the bad choice doesn't have a pregnant girlfriend.

11. If you're going to take pictures of your tits, make sure your face is cropped out.

12. Shockingly enough, Michael Jackson wasn't a white woman. Keep that little pearl in your brain for future arguments.

13. Wear lots of deodorant.

14. Don't ask your dad advice about how to hold your liquor, he's a terrible drunk. Like in a not awesome way.  Like in a 'puke in front of the pizzeria up the street' kind of drunk.  You'd think as big as he was he could pound more back...

15. Taco Bell is always a good idea, unless you are just about to have sex.

16. No matter what anyone says, your feet are not ugly. Everyone's feet are ugly.

17. Make sure you do one absolutely batshit crazy thing everyday.  It keeps everyone on their toes.

18. Don't marry anyone that can't kiss well or give good backrubs.

19. There's always going to be someone better at stuff then you.  Just make sure you are the master of wiping your ass.  Remember number 3?

Tell me, what advice would you want to pass on to your kids? 


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