The Best and the Worst

Every day is a mystery, things change before we can prepare ourselves.  Every minute of everyday something could happen that can change your life forever.  And then it does. These are the standout days, the days that redefine your world forever.

The best days of my life were the day my babies were born.  The day Noah was born was the most terrifying thing I had ever been through.  Things were going wrong when I walked into the maternity ward and I had no idea.  I feel like there was this bit of me that was carefree and excited that I lost forever when things went wrong.  The moment they laid him on me, though, and I knew he was healthy my heart exploded with joy and love.  Thirteen months later I stared into the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen.  And the day I finally adopt Emily will be the next best day in my life.

There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. -William Barclay 


The day Christian died was the most horrifying,  heartbreaking, day of my life.  Shocking, terrible pain.  Without a doubt, nothing touches that day.  My heart got sledgehammered, it was like being turned inside out and having my heart ripped from my body when I saw my sister getting out of that van.  Everything is different now.  Every moment of my life has changed since that day.  There is joy, and grief, and pain, and love and anger and frustration and questions in every move I make.

“I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.” 
― Diana Gabaldon




I asked others to share the best and worst days of their lives.  I appreciate everyone's contributions, thank you for opening yourselves up to me again.  You ladies are invaluable to me.  

-Best days, kiddos mastering the escape hatch and being healthy; Martina's heart being fixed and declared healthy. Worst Day: That I can remember (that's another story) finding out my husband of 10 years had two affairs within two years that I knew nothing about. That day sucked, so did the following months.

-Worst: Night I was raped. Best: Wedding day

-Worst- losing my daughter.  Best- meeting my husband.

-Worst: the day my sons were put into foster care. Best: tie for the day they came home and the day I found out Sammi was on the way.

-Worst day: Charley's birth. Best day: Zak's birth. Predictable but true.

-Best-Jer and Harry arriving earthside. Worst- losing Molly Jane.

- Losing my Dad was up there on the worst scale, as was subsequently losing my entire family (not the way you think) about 6 weeks later.

-Worst - the day my dad died. Best - (I have more than one...LOL) the day my son was born and the day I graduated from college.

-Worst day: The only one that really stands out is the day when I was 13, home alone on a snow day, and I got a call from my grandfather's hysterical housekeeper saying something like "I just found your dead grandfather". This was about 3 weeks after my grandmother, his wife, had died. I missed so much school that year because my family had to help clean out my grandparents' house (my grandparents smoked inside, so cleaning was quite a task), on top of all the funeral and will arrangements. That also caused a rift between my dad and his brother, and they didn't speak for probably eight years, which made it awkward for me with my cousins.
Another awful day was at the very end of my pregnancy, I was about 5 days past my due date, and I found out that my friend's 14-year-old brother had jumped off a bridge in my hometown. I didn't know him well, but the couple times I met him, I just thought he was such a sweet kid. Anyway, when he died, besides all the normal reasons that that would be upsetting (someone I know dying, suicide in my hometown, my friend losing her little brother), it just made me feel so helpless. During my pregnancy I'd been so concerned about losing the baby, even never having had a miscarriage before, and I was worried that even once the baby was born, there was the possibility of SIDS or any number of things babies are vulnerable to, and then I was reminded that a child can make it past infancy and still be so fragile. As miserable as I was being past my due date, I just wanted to keep my son in there forever so I could protect him. It was so unsettling.

Best day: Is it bad that I don't really know of any? I was obviously happy the day my son was born, but I was SO tired, and so overwhelmed, even scared, so I didn't spend a lot of time glowing or whatever.

High points:
- First time I went to NYC, when I was 17. I felt so at home there, even though we only stayed for two days. It made me feel okay to be American, for once. It was so alive, and the people were wonderful, contrary to the stereotypes. Everything about it was different from small-town Maine, and I LOVED it.

- Meeting my German "brother".

- The first day of my own exchange. I stepped off the plane into a new country, and the air and the language just wrapped around me and felt so right. I felt hopeful.

- The day my Norwegian friend (whom I met on exchange) first came to visit me in the US. I realized then that, as fucking annoying as the Atlantic Ocean is, it would NOT get in the way of my friendships.

^I never realized til now how many of my best moments have to do with the concept of "away"-- foreign people visiting me, me going elsewhere. That's kind of weird.


-Best: Births of my 2 boys. (Or extractions, if you prefer).  Worst: Sept 18, 2009. I was coming back from traveling for work. Flight delays and some really harsh stuff that happened earlier in the day, so I grabbed a hotel room (home is 100 miles from the airport). Just after midnight, got a call from my father in law. My husband, who is an alcoholic, has been arrested. He was in a phone conversation with my best friend, and decided she was suicidal (she wasn't). He got himself and our 6-month old into the car, but couldn't get our 3-year old to wake up, so left him at home sleeping. Drove over to my friend's house, and when she wouldn't answer the door, called the police to come check on her. He blew a 0.24% BAC. With our baby in the back seat of the car. Was charged with aggravated DWI (felony) and child abuse (also a felony). I drove home straight away to look after the kids. Slept a couple hours, then woke up to the phone ringing. Child Protective Services, not only is HE in trouble but I had to go to their office to explain why *I* should even be allowed to keep my own kids. Because obviously if I was stupid enough to leave him in charge, I must not be a very fit parent either.

On a positive note, that was his last drink. He has been sober for almost 2.5 years.

-Best: the birth of my son. Worst: probably the day my husband (then my boyfriend) and I broke up. It was only for a few days but everyone knew in college and it sucked. Thanks to couples therapy, though, we did (obviously) get back together.

-Worst day: Dad dying. The six year anniversary is tomorrow actually. Best day: My first Mother's Day. My son was one month old exactly. My meds had kicked in, I was pain free from my section, baby was thriving on formula, husband and I were finally enjoying parenthood, and we went to one of our favorite places Greenfield Village (like a 19th c Williamsburg) for a beautiful afternoon. It was our first big family outing.

-Best day was when Caleb got to see Noah on the u/s, followed by when Noah was born, followed by the day we got to take Noah home. Worst day was the day that we took Noah off life support. Or rather, the first 10 days of his life, which truly felt like years.

-This is really predictable but here it goes anyway. Best day- birth of my middle daughter. She was the only one where the midwife immediately put her on my chest after I pushed her out and the feeling of holding her was the most amazing feeling I have ever had. My first daughter had meconium and I didn't get to see her until a lot later(she was having problems regulating her temp) and my third was a Csection and I only got to peek at her before she was gone and then didn't see her for several hours later too. ( now neither of these situations affected the long-term bonding and I LOVE all of my girls equally but I have to admit that getting to hold your baby right away is an amazing experience but I still think NCBers make too big of a deal about this. If your baby is fine, then this is what should happen but if there are problems and you can't hold them right away, then that is fine too. With my 1st and 3rd my first experience had to be delayed for several hours and it wasn't quite the high that the 2nd one was, but by day 2 at the hospital it all evened out. Does this make sense to everyone? )
My worst moment- when my oldest was 2 1/2 , she caught a really bad flu from my husband and I , had a febrile convulsion, stopped breathing , turned blue and was just laying on the ground blue and still for several minutes. Both my husband and I thought she was dead and we were in such shock that we couldn't start CPR. I can't describe the feeling of agony that ripped through me or how it felt like everything inside me was dying. While my husband was on the phone with 911 , I called my mom and screamed that kaylie was dead and for her to come over. I remember hearing the sirens and knowing they were coming for us and went outside to let them know which house. When I came back in with the police officer, kaylie finally took a breath and turned white. I kind of felt that I was reborn at that moment. She went to the hospital but there wasn't anything they could do except tell us it was caused by a sudden spike in temperature and they sent us home with instructions to alternate motrin and Tylenol around the clock. We sat and watched her breath for at least a week 24 -7. I felt like that I opened a door into this place of agony, peaked in but then for some reason, was allowed to come back out and shut it.

-Best: birth of my babies (a tie for each 3 years apart)
Worst: the day I found out my husband had been carrying on an affair with my friend who lived next door. I moved out, 2 weeks later she moved in. Really more of the worst year than just a day- 2001 sucked. No worries though, found me an awesome man who I married and gave me my 2 cuties!

-Best-the day I saw Emily's heartbeat on the first ultrasound. After everything I'd been through to get pregnant that feeling was just indescribable.
Worst-getting a phone call to say my Nanna had died. Not only because she was pretty much my hero, but I was 16, and it was my first first-hand experience with death, and it was a shock, and I felt so guilty I was at my boyfriend at the time's place, who she didn't like.

-Best day of my life - wedding day, hands down. I've never been surrounded by so much joy and love. Births of my sons were wonderful moments, but not days. I honestly can't think of an obvious worst. I've had bad stuff happen, but nothing that continues to twist my guts to this day. I guess I'm either blessed or extremely good at emotional repression.

- The best day of my life was the day I fell in love with my body. My body is the only thing I have. It powers my mind, it runs my life, it is everything. I spent years believing it was just a thing that I used, but I didn't value it. Valuing it was vain and dirty and wrong. But when I looked at myself and saw that I wanted me. That I was worth wanting. I buzzed in the revelry of being alive. And from that moment, though there are times when my body fails me, I want it and I value it and I expect others to do the same. And that gives me a power that was kept from me by people who tell lies.

The worst day of my life wasn't the day my father was diagnosed with cancer. It wasn't the day he died. It wasn't his funeral. It wasn't the first of every holiday or life event or whatever without him. It was the day I discovered that I was friends with my mother and that I would never be friends with my father.

My Shining Stars

I celebrated my thirtieth birthday Saturday.  My best friend Bambi, my awesome friend Sara, my mom, aunt, and brother all came with me to watch me get my first tattoo.  Then I spend the rest of the day (and night!) with my beautiful friends.

I spent a long time deciding on what tattoo I wanted.  And i'm really, really happy with the way it turned out.

I had "Remember to Live" tattooed on my forearm.  I wrote this post on 11-6-11. Those words have stuck with me since that night, the words from Christian have echoed in my head.


"It was bright, and cool breeze blew through my hair. I was bent over a small tree I had just planted, filling in the hole with dirt. I sifted the earth through my fingers, felt it in my hands.  I sensed someone, and I squinted into the sun and saw him standing beside me. I felt him lean down next to me, and then he was still...in my dreams he is always very still.  I looked at him, he smiled and said, "remember to live."  It became an echo, a chime, a song.  Over and over, as we knelt in the dirt, as I pressed my hands down, finished patting the dirt around the tree, I heard his voice say to me, "remember to live."


Remember to live."

I had 4 stars put around the words.

The largest, for Christian.  For loving my sister, for changing our lives.  For giving me words to live by.  I had it colored green, because he loved the land, his farm.

The blue star is for my Grandpa Dilas, for his bright blue eyes.

The yellow star is for my Grandma Virginia.  She would get a bouquet of flowers from my Grandpa Mario with one yellow rose right in the middle.

The red star is for my Grandpa Mario.  He loved red.  And red is a strong fiery color, it reminds me of him.

The entire time I was being tattooed I had a lump in my throat. It has so much meaning. I have a little bit of the people I miss the most, who i'll miss the rest of my days, with me.

And when i'm having a bad day or I feel like giving up, i'll look down and see Remember to Live and my little shining stars and find my strength.

Cherish

My children had an Uncle who loved them very, very much.  I wanted to make something for each of them, something to honor the relationship they had.  I want them to be able to see his face and theirs together. He is the babies Godfather, and I want them to see their Godfather holding them with love.  They won't remember him when they are older, which breaks my heart.  They'll know how awesome he was from stories and pictures, but I wish everyday that he was with us.  

I made the kids these scrapbook pictures and framed them.  I am not a scrapbooker at all, so I just threw my heart into it.  I sat and sobbed and put these together.  It broke my heart and made me happy at the same time.  

"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality."
 ~Emily Dickinson

For Emily.  Remember your Uncle loved you, remember to hope, remember to believe. 

For Noah. Remember your Uncle loved you.  We will treasure the time you had with him, forever. 

For Ellie.  Remember your Uncle loved you.  Always and forever. 

I hope the kids will look at these often, and memorize his face.  I know it's burned into my memory for the rest of my days.

I miss you so, Christian.  We all do. 

Unspoken

If you could tell one person something you've never told them, what would it be? 

*I posed the question and received such a variety of answers; I appreciate all your responses.  Thank you so much, for opening up and sharing a part of yourselves with myself and my readers.*

We travel along side by side, yet we keep parts of ourselves hidden from strangers and loved ones equally. Sometimes we hold something so close we never say what we feel. From losing someone we love, to unexpressed anger, we all have things we’ll carry inside of and never express.  

*To my mum I would tell her that I have no respect for her at all. The way she has lived her life has rubbed off onto her children, effectively ruining theirs too. I have needed counseling to help me overcome the obstacle she caused in my life, and the nights I would spend crying for the way she is throwing her life and her self-esteem away.

*An ex-friend. I would tell her that I used to be in love with her. And how unlovely I think she is now. And that she will always be alone because she wants to be alone and that has nothing to do with anyone's plan for her life but her own selfishness and lack of concern for anyone else's hearts.

*When we first got married I kissed someone while drunk. I hate myself for it.

*There was a woman who seriously, she found me EVERY time I was transferred to a new group home or family (which, literally, was about every 6 months for most of my childhood). By the time I was on my own and actually ready to tell her what she meant to me, she died. :( I would go back to tell her that her persistent love was influential to my salvation and quite literally saved my life. I would tell my dad about Jesus. I would tell my rapist that I forgive him. And I know it sounds dumb, but I would tell my miscarried baby how happy I was to be pregnant with him. 

*My ex-husband never made me orgasm. Not once ever. I would love to tell him that but won't. 

*Dear Ex-BFF:

I am still incredibly hurt by the way you "broke up" with me. I still don't understand what I ever did to make you treat me so terribly. I was in a very low point in my life, and for you to leave like you did sent me even lower. I'm not necessarily proud of my actions, but I don't regret them for the most part, either. I truly hope that you are happy now. You were my best friend for 13 years, I still care about you, even though I know that your stubborn nature means that you will probably never contact me and apologize, and even though I know you know what you did was wrong. It would mean a lot for you to admit that, even if it was over a FB message or something similarly impersonal. I don't want to be friends with you, but I would be open to being FB friends again and perhaps catching up. I want to show you how much I've grown up in the last 2 years. My life isn't all about alcohol and faceless boys anymore. In any case, I hope that you and your family are well.

*Dear ex-husband: I faked it. Every time.

*Dear Douchebag:

I don't think you understand how much I hate you. You almost ruined my life and successfully tore apart the friendship I had with my oldest friend. I still can't believe that you had the balls to message me in the fall about some alternative political party. Where did that even come from? You just randomly remembered that I was into politics from our conversations two years ago? We haven't been FB friends for that long, why was my name in your head? 

What was the real reason that you "banned" me from your dorm? I have news for you, it was your GIRLFRIEND who told me what to say to you. I wasn't being mean or malicious at all, that was the worst conversation that I had ever had. I really liked you, you know? And then you had to do a complete 180 into the most evil person that I have ever met. You are a pretentious asshole, Douchebag. You need to grow the fuck up and stop living like an 18 year old. You are 23 years old, you should NOT still be in school and degree-less after SIX years. You don't deserve to be happy.

*To you, I miss the way you made me feel.  Sometimes I look at your life on FB and wonder what our life would have been like, if only I had tried a little harder. 

*Dear Mom,

When I was much younger, you told me something that I have been very good about respecting. You told me you didn't want me to tell you when I do anything you wouldn't approve of. I hate this rule, but I've followed it anyway, and now there's a massive part of my life you know nothing about. I love you, but I hate that you don't want to know everything about me. I hate that you choose willful ignorance over reality. I hate that I spend every conversation about religion, politics, child-rearing, marriage, and so many other topics just smiling and nodding to avoid saying something you wouldn't approve of. I've learned how to love you, and so many other people, despite our very obvious differences, and I hope one day you realize you can love me even if I'm not hiding most of who I am.

*Dear Sweetheart:

I am so incredibly sorry for the way that I treated you. I didn't realize how amazing you were at the time; I thought that all boys just wanted a casual fuck, I didn't realize that you were different. I am so sorry that I screwed that up over a complete douchebag that didn't deserve my time or my tears. I wish that I would have been a better person, because I didn't deserve your v-card. Call me a romantic, but I think that it should be with someone you care about, and at that point all I cared about was vodka. I'm sorry. I am glad that you broke up with your bitch girlfriend, though. I hope that you end up with a nice girl this time :)

* Mom, I was raped. And I can't tell you because it would mean discussing the fact that I had sex before marriage. And while it doesn't bother me, it bothers you. And sometimes you make things about you. And this isn't.

*I don't really have things that I keep secret from others. The closest I have is something my mom and I have gotten near, but not outright addressed, which is that I know that my brother is her favorite. I was my dad's. And the only reason I haven't told her (yet) is that we've said enough hurtful things to each other for now. Then there are things that I haven't actually said, but I haven't said them YET. Like, "Mom, you realize I'm an atheist, right?" But that's yet. I'll pull them out when I need to. The thing that hurts me most, actually, is that I know that if I got pregnant and had prenatal testing that revealed a trisomy or some other genetic problem, I'd have an abortion, and I'd have to lie to her about it and say I miscarried. She's pretty hard-core fundie and very judgmental. She'd never understand, she'd never even try to understand or want to understand, and I'd never hear the end of it.

*Dad, 

I'm sorry I decided to leave after dinner so I could go see the new guy I was dating, instead of hanging out with you. I'm sorry I just waved bye and rushed out the door, instead of giving you a hug.

I had no idea you would literally drop dead the next day while driving on I75.

*Dear Dad,

I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone that night. You left me a message that I didn't return until the next day. I don't know what question you had for me, and I don't know my answer but maybe it would have helped you drink just a little less. Maybe you would have woken up with a hangover, or at all.

I guess I wish I had just said, hi, dad.

*You worked so hard to ruin me, to shame me, to break me. You failed. I thought about writing why you're a shitty person, but I don't need to break you down to build myself up. You have no power over me. And you never will, not ever again.

*I'm so incredibly sorry and you have no idea how much I miss you. And you never will. I truly, legitimately hope that you find every happiness in the world.

* Dear mom,

I wish you didn’t feel the need to hide that my dad isn’t my biological father, I wouldn’t have judged you, and it wouldn’t have changed how much I love you.

*Mom-Thank you for never following through with anything you have ever said that would require any effort on your part. I still don't know what trust is.

*Dear Ex,

I forgive you for beating me down physically and emotionally for the 6 years we were together. I forgive you for cheating on me with my friend who lived next door and for flaunting it all over town after I moved out. I forgive you for acting like I never existed after she moved in. 

I thank you for giving me a reason to find myself when I thought I had nothing left. Thank you for forcing me out of that shit hole town and back into school. That you for giving me the opportunity to be alone AND happy. And finally, thank you for pointing me in the direction that my life has taken because I have everything I have ever wanted and more. Oh...and yes it was me who shut off your utilities and flicked lit cigarettes into your parked car. You shouldn't have left the window cracked.

*Dear Jackrabbit,

You never amounted to anything, and since you are now in your mid-40's, I don't think you ever will. Have another pitcher of margaritas, pal. BTW, ever figure out that regular Jose Cuervo is NOT top quality tequila? The best stuff doesn't come in plastic bottles at the bottom of the liquor store shelves? I'm thinking....not. 

Daddy sure had you pegged.

But since this is about things I never told someone and always wanted to confess....here goes. Wanna know what my first reaction was when I met your cuter, smarter younger brother 3 weeks after we started dating? "Crap, I got the wrong one!" 

And yeah.....sometimes......I imagined he was you to get through our "special times". Yeah, coulda had the well-hung future research scientist with a full head of hair if only I had crashed my gay buddy's literature class a month before. Kicked myself over that for a while.

Eh, I ended up with an even younger, equally gorgeous, darker haired Russian version of him.....your brother ended up with a friend of mine....and you got a 300 lb fellow alcoholic pork queen and lost even more of your hair. So it's all good, baby.

*Dear best friend, I need you right now, and you aren't there for me. This hurts. This hurts more than you'll ever know.

*Dear old friend, I hate who you’ve become. I hate what you believe in, and I hate your overinflated sense of self.  I don’t 

regret walking away, but I’ll always miss what we used to be. 

Do you recognize yourself in any of these?  What do you wish you could say to someone if you had the chance?  

I know I walk with the weight of words unspoken.