Dear Crazy Lindsay

Dear CL, My milkshake has failed to bring all the boys to the yard. What's wrong with me?
Love, Boyless
Too much milk, not enough shake. Don't want to hear sloshing while you swing dem hips.


Dear Crazy Lindsay, Am I pregnant? It's me that wants to know this time and not BSC SIL.
Vacuous Vixen from the 'Ville
All signs point to yes.  Go POAS.  If it's positive, you are now dubbed DD for all future ventures.

Dear CL,  I decided to wear pj's and slippers to work. No question...just wanted to let you know you aren't they only crazy one.
I didn't know you work at Walmart!

Dear Crazy Lindsay. Why do my joints hurt? All. The. Time?
It's all that poppin' and lockin' you do all day.  Quit droppin' it like it's hot. All. The. Time.

Dear Crazy Lindsay, Why does my child believe that diapers are the devil? She won't wear them. Or panties. She just wants to run around naked. While I appreciate that thought in the abstract, it sucks in the specific.
I am sorry to break this to you on the internet, totally in public, but it appears...deep breathe...it appears as though you may be raising a dirty hippie.  Check underneath her bed and in her closet for signs of patchouli, drum circles, and anything tie dyed.  Good luck.

Dear CL, How come as soon as I get the kids potty trained, the cat stops using the litterbox? I have a bunch of spare diapers I no longer need--should I put them on the cat?
Yes. Take pictures.  Plus your cat hates you.  How dare you have children?

Dear Crazy Lindsay, I got my TB test yesterday and my arm is all red. I put Preparation H on it but it didn't help. I don't have TB. What do I do?
Oh shit.  You got an Unnessatubarian, you poor uneducated fool. Consult Natural News and whale.to.  I'm sure there is a wealth of information there to help you along this journey of healing from the violation you feel from Big pHARMa.

Dear Crazy Lindsay, I'm packing for our move this weekend and my hubby is out of town. He left me his dirty underwear to wash. Can I just throw it out instead?
Yes.  And then calculate how much it would cost to replace all his 'roos and buy yourself something pretty.  Freeballin'.


Dear Crazy Lindsay, why is "Long Island Iced Tea" such a misnomer?

Sincerely yours, Alcoholic Andrea
I'm not sure.  It should be called "where am I, who are you, and where are my pants?"  Or "I just puked in the bushes."

Dear CL, I met this really cute guy, and we've hit it off. He's coming to my place for the first time for dinner. Should I go get some prime steaks, or should I just thaw out some of the plasagna I've been saving for a very special occasion?
Plasgana, if he wants a little afterbirth as dinner.  I suggest a nice Chianti to pair with it.


Dear CL, it's been three months since I gave birth. Why does my ass still hurt when I sit on a hard surface for too long?
Sincerely, CaSSandra BUTTioni
Your body is pouting because you did not squeeze your child out into a tub of water.  All the anger is coming out through your ass.  Make peace with your ass.  Maybe try a re-birthing.


Dear CL, Why does my husband insist on announcing to me the frequency, size and consistencies of his daily bowel movements? - Another perplexing question from CaSSandra BUTTioni
Because poop is hilarious.  



Dear CL, Is it possible to outsource the task of peeing on a stick?
Damn right it's possible.  This is 'merica!


Dear CL, Is there a preparation H like treatment for intarwebz butthurt?
Yup.  It's called "log off and go read a book."  Or, if you're someone like say...VaGina, it's "whine about it on Facebook so everyone can validate your poor choices" 


Dear CL: Do I need to stop smirking when my 2 year old daughter is running around announcing "I have no penis! I have no penis!"
Yes.  Yes, stop smirking.  Why does your child even know what parts they have?  How can you raise them in a gender neutral environment if you're going to tell them the proper names for their bathing suit parts?

Dear CL, Why the moment I forget to take my anti-crazy meds my brain feels like it is in a deep dark fog, and I get a killer headache?
Same thing happens to me.  It's just an extra "fuck you" from our brains.

 CL, Why does my child fling her poopy panties off her just so, so that the poop flies out of the panties all over the floor, my shoes, socks, and legs?
The cat told her to do it.

CL, why are people who hate chemicals ...alive? Everything is made from chemicals, ergo they hate themselves and the world.
EVERYTHING IS NOT MADE FROM CHEMICALS.  EVERYTHING IS MADE FROM UNICORN POOP AND RAINBOWS.  AND IT'S ALL HELD TOGETHER FROM THE GUNK THAT ACCUMULATES IN A HIPPIE'S DREADS.

Dear Crazy Lindsay: how is it that natural momma's who are all about disease prevention and health promotion can logically reject the practice of vaccination?
They can't logically reject it.  There is no logic involved.

Dear Crazy Lindsay: Which is more "risky" a chiropractic adjustment or a vaccination absent a medical contra-indication?
What's risky is answering this question with the amount of stuff running through my bloodstream.

Dear CL, Why do all the guys with small peens insist on sharing them on Craigslist? -- Craigslist peen inspector
Because they can't waggle them at you from their gigantic trucks.