Dear Crazy Lindsay

Dear CL,  Am I pregnant, because I hear you have Ute Goggles and my BSC SIL wants to know?
Lovingly, Lynn Lolita in Lorain
Yes you are, you hussy.  Time to bust out the garlic and harness your chi.

Dear CL, Tonight I'd like to make sweet love with my hubby, but it is too damn hot, how do I stay cool and still get it on? Yours, Hot as Helena
I suggest  doing a "wake up in terror in a bathtub full of ice to find out someone stole your kidney, the only way you'll survive is if this hot doctor climbs into the ice bath and nails you" roleplay.  Meow.

Dear crazy Lindsay, I have been looking for the G spot for years now, my girl friend says it is located between Oak Ave and Grant blvd, any idea if that is true? Searching for the perfect orgasm. Love, Florence without any Machines
Second star to the right and straight on till morning .

Dear CL: Why does chocolate make me have crazy dreams? Love, Chocoholic Carrie
It's not the chocolate, you're just fucking weird.  But not as weird as me.  Take comfort in that.

Dear CL,  Please help me develop a detailed plan to extract semen from my partner to facilitate the fertility process. Bonus points for use of free catheter samples from that diabetic supply company.
Supplies you will need: 

A cloth
Chloroform
Hair from Wilford Brimley's mustache
Rope
Said Catheter
A strong stomach.
Insert cath, siphon as you would when you steal gas.  Insert into lady parts, blow.  Glue Brimley's whiskers onto a picture of that chick from that commercial that talks about having to reuse catheters, frame for posterity.  Run around yelling Diabeetus!

Alternate supply list:  His peener and your vagina.  


Dear Crazy Lindsay, Does my big butt make my butt look big? Sincerely, RapGuy's GF
Oh my god Becky, look at her butt.  
Nah, I like big butts.  We all know I can't lie, just like 'ol Honest Abe.  I bet he appreciated a luscious behind, too.  

Dear CL, Why does my partner insist on having sex when I feel less than daisy fresh?
Not so Fresh and Clean Kathleen in CLE
He's a dude, i'd be worried if he didn't want to have sex. He is embracing you, funky yoni and all.  Now go take a bath, you filthy minx. 

Dear Crazy Lindsay, why is it that only stupid people like me? I'm an expert on everything, but I can't seem to convince anyone with half a brain that I'm always right. How can I fix this? Sincerely, Guggita Daly
Well Guggita, the thought of you makes me want to barf.  I think you just need to go away, that's how you'll convince me you're right, by disappearing off the internet.  Now stay off Crazy Lindsay you awful person.


Dear Crazy Lindsay, why do my girls fight/ hit/ hiss/ pull hair/ scream over the purple cereal bowl in the mornings? ( actually, I'm not joking) Love, SVT 
Make them eat cereal using flimsy paper plates and a fork while you sit eating out of the purple bowl.  They'll learn not to bitch pretty quick. 

Dear Crazy Lindsay, Why do I need to pee every 5 minutes? Yours truly, Anita Tinkle
Because you had children.  And children destroy our hips, tits, and bladders.  Buy some pads and lay off the sauce (that makes me have to pee every 2 1/2 minutes). 

Dear Crazy Lindsay, 

Should I go on speaking tours in local high schools, talking about childbirth, in order to dissuade teenage pregnancy? 

Love, TMI Tammy in Tulsa.

Only if you do a demonstration showcasing in horrific detail how to roll a condom onto a banana using your mouth. 

Dear Crazy Lindsay - we've discovered our unborn child is a son - how do we protect him from unwanted interest in the status/future status of his penis? Love, JW
Fuck if I know, JW.  Little boy peen is a hot topic nowadays, which makes my skin crawl.  I suggest you get a large, obnoxious tattoo down your arm detailing all of your parenting decisions.  Then tell everyone you meet how you feel about circumcision, before anyone even thinks of asking you.


Dear CL, I was getting ready to cut & paste a blog post. So I read a vax insert that said it causes anal leakage as a side effect. After I read that....well.....yeah, I poopied out of fear. Can I report that as a vax related injury, since my kids pointed and laughed? They hurt my feelings, dammit, and that should count even though I didn't get the shot, right? XOXO Some Dumb Bitch

Yes.  All vaccine related injuries, such as being named "Queen Tool of the Internet" should be reported to laughable Anti-Vax Facebook pages.  That's where all the scientists from Google U hang out.  The know their stuffs.

Thanks for another fun Q and A with my crazy ass!