And then he was gone...

In about a month and a half it will be a year since Christian died.  I was waiting to write about that night as I see it now, as opposed to when I was writing about it was we were living the nightmare.  Some things can't wait.

I woke up in the middle of the night to Bobby leaning over me telling me that Carmie (my sister-in-law) was in the kitchen, something was wrong.  The first thought I had was that he was dreaming, but when I stumbled into the kitchen and saw her standing there all I felt was dread.  She put her hands on my shoulders and told me there had been an accident, and that Christian was gone.   All the air sucked out of my lungs, I bent over gasping, my limbs rubbery.  This horrible ringing started in my ears, and i'm positive if Carmie hadn't been holding on to me I would have fallen over.

We spent the rest night in my garage, Carmie, Bob, and I.  We chain smoked and waited while my parents, Christians step-mom, and our family friends went to get Stacey.  She was a few hours away at their camper with their friends.  I got on and off the computer, trying to find something mindless to do.  As it got closer to dawn I had to make a couple terrible phone calls. I remember how my body wouldn't stop shaking, my teeth wouldn't quit clacking , the ringing in my ears wouldn't stop.  We still weren't sure what had happened, just broken bits of information passed over quick cell phone calls.  

After they got to Stacey and were back on the road, Carmie and I went to wait for them at Christian's dads house. My Aunt Beth and my brother, Ryan were already there sitting with his dad.  I sat on their driveway, smoking and shaking.  Wanting them to get here, yet not.  How was I going to handle this, seeing my sister like this?  We all just kept repeating that we couldn't believe this, and that we didn't know what to do.

The absolute 100% worst moment that has ever occurred, the moment that is seared in my brain, that will haunt me the rest of my life, is the moment I saw my sister's face as she stumbled out of the van and into my arms.  I can barely describe the gut twisting, heart snapping,  absolute devastation I felt as I held her.  It felt like drowning.

The rest of the morning, it was surreal, helpless. Sitting in my mom's living room waiting for something but not knowing what.  An answer?  To wake up?  Something to do?  I went home to sleep for a few hours, and fell into this deep sleep.  Bob woke me up a few hours later and for a split second I thought I had been dreaming.  Then reality crashed over me, the ringing in my ears came back.  My head felt fuzzy, my body hurt from clenching my muscles so tight in sleep.  I went back to my mom's to be with my family.  And we have continued on, together. 

There is a moment in your life when everything stops.  Your heart, your brain, your breath, your eyes.  Everything becomes still, and for one small moment nothing and everything makes sense at the same time.  That, for me, was the moment Carmie looked me in the eye and told me Christian was gone.

I can't speak for his family, my brother, or Carmie, or my husband, or aunts, or my dad, mom, his friends, and I especially cannot speak for my sister.  But, he's still here with us, with everyone he loved.  He is walking with my sister, holding her hand even though she can't physically feel it.  He's laughing at his nieces and nephews, he's watching his sisters grow.  He's smiling his huge smile while we eat doughnut cake and play kickball.  He's yelling "loud noises" at our parties, he's throwing back a beer with my husband.  He's a tattoo on our bodies, he's scratching Turbo's ears, he's on the tractor with his dad...

He's watching us learn to live again.

I miss your smile, Christian.