I am the Fertile Ground

A beautiful friend wrote when she was going through infertility.  I'm very honored to share this lovely piece with you. 

I am the fertile ground and I am waiting.

I wait for the seed which will one day burrow within me, and flourish, I pray.

There are other patches of fertile ground nearby.

They have borne fruit over and over, while I remain. I am waiting and watching.

The rains come, they flow through me. But I still do not bear fruit.

I did once, many moons ago. The beauty of that flower was unsurpassed.

I cannot ever bear another flower exactly like it.

There were other seeds which burrowed within me, but they did not flourish.

Instead, they perished. Those seeds were precious to me.

Now they are gone.

Seeds are all around me, blowing in the wind, but none is the special seed.

There is only one which can make me bear flower again. I believe that this day will come soon.

There is no more that I can do, except to wait and remain still.

 I am the Earth, I cannot move. I am prey to the whims of the seasons and Time.

Although I know that I must wait, I dream of the time the seed will come.

Then once more I will nurture the most precious gift: Life.

Until that time, I remain, the Earth.





Scary Stories

I love the delicious feeling you get from a horror story. The giddy unease, as the words build themselves into a nightmare.  Some writers can conjure amazingly unreal creatures. My favorites are the authors who can scare the socks off of you with a fantastic ghost story. There is something about a gliding spectre, crying from their unjust death, plotting the untimely demise of the unfortunate new tenant of the obviously haunted house that makes me stay up late to finish another chapter.

If the book can make my heart beat faster, even better.  Hunkering down into the sofa, tingling as the suspense builds. The best stories aren't about gore, but the slow climax to the character realizing
they are being haunted.

Creaking steps, footfalls overhead, scratching, moans, whispers...what does me in is a giggling child ghost. They are their own class of creepy.  Misty forests, wailing women, floating nuns, anothers face in the mirror, secret rooms, hidden graves, a breath on the back of the neck, a glimpse out of the corner of an eye....I devour the books like a monster devours its prey in between the pages of the books littering my house.

My favorite ghost story is The Woman in Black by Susan Hill.  Have you read it?  It has everything I love about horror stories: the dark sense of foreboding, the perfect tone, and a shock you can't believe.  I found out they are making this book into a movie.  Guess who will be in line the day it comes out in theaters?

So, my dear readers, what is your favorite scary story, or book?  Is anyone else looking forward to this movie?

Please share!

It was just a dream

I found my way through the ancient trees, their rough textures my guide as I carefully worked my way through the mist. It was gloomy with the smell of earth mingling with the blowing wind, filling my senses until I felt dizzy. I was unsure where I was going, tripping over roots and stones, only that I needed to get there.  On and on I struggled, pleading for an end to this nightmare forest.  Every time I fell, I heard a voice urging me on.  Dress ripped, hair full of brambles I finally came to a clearing.  I collapsed onto the ground, sobbing and heaving.  The voice told me to rise. 

I stood before a man hidden in shadows.

He told me he could give me anything I desired. He tempted me with freedom, money, fame. He told me he could banish my depression, I would never feel out of control again. He promised me anything, and everything. He was a genie with one wish. What did I want?  What did I desire?  He could see all my dreams, plans.

Before I could give him my answer, my one true desire and the only thing I truly wished for I was awakened by my son. 

I felt like screaming, when my eyes opened.  I didn't get to tell him,  I felt panicked and couldn't breathe or calm my beating heart.  I got out of bed, pacing and shaking. I got Noah out of his room and held him, inhaling the smell of him, rooting myself in now. 

My one true wish, all I desire in my heart is to undo Christian being gone.

Reality is knowing there is no undoing death, there is no second chance. There is only my boy and me on the ground crying and him asking me for breakfast.

There is only laying the last perfect rose from my bushes before winter comes on his grave, crying in the sunlight.  Staring at my husband at dinner, and he giving me a sad smile as we remember him.  There is only a sudden loss of breath when a thought comes , a moment when a scream wells in your throat, a plea for peace in your heart.

It's wanting to grab my sister and hold her, because she is broken so I am broken.  She is a part of me, she and me and he, the three siblings brought together by God's design. One lost it all, and the other two are burning from the heat of grief.  He and I will tattoo our skin in memory of, we will help carry the burden of her loss and help lift her up and over the mountain looming. 

The air thick with missing him, a song came on yesterday as we drove away from his place by the trees. The tears fell as I choked out a thank you to our boy, he sent us a message:

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

So ride on we will, navigating through the deep waters of grief, until she finds her smile, until her eyes light up again.

I love you, baby sister.

Things not to say to a depressed person

It's been a while since i've made a list. I'm in the mood for a list, how about you?

Things NOT to say to someone battling depression/anxiety!

1. Try to stay positive.  Ohhh, that sounds easy. I've totally been doing it wrong!

2. There is always someone worse off than you.  I'm depressed, i'm not a selfish bastard with no thought or empathy to those around me.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, chief.

3. Try not to be so depressed.  Yes, the magical cure of nothing.  Thanks for it.

4. Why are you depressed?  Well, I heard all the cool kids are doing it so...

5. Suck it up, you have things you need to do. Well, a big fuck you right backatcha!

6. You need to relax. Yes, I know I do. I can't.  How can I explain this to you?  I. can't.  Poop on you.

I could keep going on, but I think you get the idea.

Here's some helpful links:

10 things not to say, and TO say

Worst things to say to someone who's depressed.  -read the comments, there's an education!

The leaves are changing

Fall is my favorite season of the year, there is just something about the cool, quiet mornings.  The leaves changing, bursts of red, orange, and gold falling gently to the earth.  It is a time for crunching through leaves, hot chocolate, pumpkin carving, and light sweaters.  Soups and stews, a rake and giggling, jumping children. 

As we go deeper into Autumn, dark comes earlier and earlier. It makes us slow down, talk more quietly, relax a little more. In a few weeks night will come at dinnertime. The nights will get colder, longer, and the birds will leave. The trees will  be bare and we will huddle closer together as it gets lonely without the light of the sun.

Thanksgiving will come. For my family it is a day of love and laughter, Togetherness, mistmatched tables stuck together.  Elbow to elbow with the ones we cherish. This year we will bow our head in prayer, not just in thanks, but we will pray together for our lost boy.

The seasons are changing, just as our family is changed.  As our light got a little less bright, so the world does. But, thoug hwe are weary, we must remember to enjoy the beauty in our days, the glorious riot of color outside our doors. The excitement in our childrens eyes as they pick pumpkins and costumes.  We need to remember to keep turning as the world does, and keep celebrating.  Celebrating our love for one another, and celebrating Christians beautiful life. 

Fall is the most beautiful of seasons.  Though my heart is still broken, I am going to write down one thing everyday that I am celebrating.

Today I am celebrating the abundance of color outside my door.  What are you celebrating today?

Little Wins

My bed is my harbor, the place I seek solace and comfort when I get overwhelmed.  I slide under the quilt, push the pillows under my neck, curl up and escape. 

I lay on my side and let my eyes unfocus, let my mind take over.  As I become physically still, I try to sort my thoughts.  Part of my anxiety/depression problem is racing thoughts.  I have to many to handle sometimes.  I don't know how to "turn it off". So, I lay and try to take stock of what's going on inside.

I try to breathe, to relax. And the thoughts flow:

How do I relax when inside i'm screaming?  Fucking screaming, tearing off my skin, wailing.  It's not just losing Christian: it's losing my sister, she's a ghost of who she was. It's losing the family I knew, we're all the walking wounded. It's stressing out about money, and our house,and Emily's grades. It's worrying about how Emily is processing another loss, its bringing up memories of losing my grandparents. That empty, hollow feeling all the time.  No where to put the feelings, not sure how to express them.  Too tired to write, and unsure what to say.  Don't feel like cleaning, like cooking, or doing the dishes or laundry. I just want to hide. Making jokes about my shirt I was wearing today that's 6 years old and used to be my husbands.  Nooo, its not sad I can't buy clothes, it's funny, to make Emily laugh.  Telling her she can't have this costume or that costume because they cost too much.  Promising the kids things that will never happen, like Disney world. Who cares, money isn't everything!  It is when you don't have any. Feeling sorry for yourself is annoying, get up and get over yourself.  Can't get over myself, i'm drowning in myself.  Why did he have to die? Why are our lives like this? When are things going to get better? I'm afraid to ask God to help me find peace, I should be finding it myself. What can I ask God to help me with, without sounding like an asshole? Why do I have to have my mental problems, makes me feel like a failure. I'm not a failure...i'm just sad.

And that's what all the craziness boils down to. I'm sad. I'm so fucking sad. Gutted. Broken. Lost. And everyday I have a "little win".  Today I chopped up a bunch of veggies for snacking for the week (win).  I took all the leftover bits and made stock for soup.  I didn't do anything else except make dinner the entire day (not a win), but damned if we won't have awesome soup on Tuesday (win). 

I know I shouldn't hide in my bed, but I don't have anywhere else to escape to.  Usually Bob gets home from work, showers, then lets me have a few minutes.  I hide under the covers, usually one or both of the little ones will bang on my bedroom door until Daddy distracts them. I regroup, then let them in and they bounce and crawl all over, elbows and knees hitting me.  Ellie will curl up with me, Noah will bounce around and Em will sit and make sure Noah doesn't go careening off the bed.  I figure as long as I have a little win everyday, things are going ok. One day i'll have two wins, and then three, and then we'll be back on track. 

I, of course, don't count all the times I make my babies smile everyday, because that is what feeds my soul.

"I see the world go round and round,

and watch mine turn upside down"

He Doesn't Understand

The other day Bob and I took the kids to pick out pumpkins.  We walked around the rows, letting the babies giggle and grab.  There were so many choices: fat, round, misshapen, spotted.  As we perused, it started to sprinkle.  Once our pumpkins chose their pumpkins we went and picked out a special pumpkin for Uncle Christians grave. 

We paid and the old farmer told us the kids could roll pumpkins down this big hill.  We stood in the rain watching the kids laugh, cheering and clapping as their pumpkins bounced down the hill.  A brief respite from our sadness.

After our adventure we drove to the gravesite.  Noah asked where we were going, I told him we're going to see Uncle Christian. We pulled into the cemetery and he got upset, "this isn't Uncle Christians house!" 

It brought tears right to my eyes, his innocence.  How do you explain to a three year old that his Uncle is gone? Once we all got out, and were standing around his grave, Noah got upset again and started asking where Uncle Christian was.  "He's in heaven, baby.  He had to leave us.  We'll see him again someday". "I want to go to heaven, mommy. I want to go see Uncle Christian".

My sweet, dear boy.  He made us all cry, with the beauty of his words.  My dear Noah, we all want to see him.  We want him to be at his house, waiting for us. We want everything to go back to the way it was, and none of us ever want to feel like this ever again.

It's amazing something can be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Blogger Spotlight-Monica's Mom Musings!

This week's blogger spotlight is Monica from Monica's Mom Musings.  She's got a great family blog that I enjoy reading!



Happy family!

Here's our interview:

1. How long have you been blogging?
I've been blogging since March of 2008.

2. How did you choose you blog name?
I had started a "Mom Musings" on my family blog http://mommy2natkatcj.blogspot.com/ which were just random thoughts of mine about the kids so when I started Monica's Mom Musings I wanted it to be more about my thoughts on mothering than specifics with my children. So this just seemed to work. It's a good thing my name starts with an "M" ;).

3. What inspired you to start blogging?
When my son was a baby we went through a lot of issues with him and I thought a blog would be a great way to keep all of that in one spot so I could just direct everyone to go there and read about what was going on in our lives.

4. What post are you most proud of?
This was a tough one for me, I really like most of what I write. I guess I'll go with my breastfeeding post because it's a little different than the typical breastfeeding post: Congratulations, you fed your baby.
http://monicasmommusings.blogspot.com/2011/09/congratulations-you-fed-your-baby.html

5. What post is your least favorite?
I guess my least favorite is the blog I wrote about the problems between me and my brother. He's family after all and I hate that we don't get along and he thinks so low of me: Sibling love?
http://monicasmommusings.blogspot.com/2011/07/sibling-love.html

6. What is your favorite blog/blogger?
My favorite blogger is Renee Garcia from Life With My Special K's http://www.myspecialks.com/ She actually encouraged me to start blogging and she's awesome.

7. What subject won’t you blog about?
I never really thought about this. I guess anything I don't really know about.

8. What do you find most challenging about blogging about your topic?
Not getting too personal about my children. Sharing things that they might not want the world knowing about them. I have to be especially careful with my older two and sometimes have to ask them if they mind if I write something.

9. What is the ultimate goal for your blog?
My ultimate goal for my blog is to share with people my views on parenting and to get people talking about theirs.

10. What do you want people to take away from reading your blog?
I hope people can learn a little something from the experiences I have been through as a parent so maybe they can avoid some of the pit falls I have had.

Thanks for the great interview, Monica!
 
Everyone, stop by this great blog and say hello.
 

A Time to Remember

On October 2nd, 2010 two families and countless friends gathered together to celebrate Stacey and Christians wedding. 

As my sister walked towards her husband, he cried. I've never seen a more beautiful moment in a wedding.
You knew at that moment, what true love was.

And how happy and beautiful was his bride?  The most beautiful i've ever seen!

Unbound joy...

A look of adoration...

Forever love...

It was a happy, joyous day.  Tomorrow, on their anniversary, I will smile.  I will remember how much fun we had that day. The drinking, the dancing, the laughing....Mike's "special" dance. The wonderful speeches, the silliness, the happy tears, the prayers. The light in their eyes. Christians smile...

Just as I felt him tell me to celebrate him when I wrote his eulogy, I feel him telling us to celebrate this day. 

Thank you Christian, for loving that girl, and making her shine.

I will remember October 2nd forever, for it was beautiful.