I found my way through the ancient trees, their rough textures my guide as I carefully worked my way through the mist. It was gloomy with the smell of earth mingling with the blowing wind, filling my senses until I felt dizzy. I was unsure where I was going, tripping over roots and stones, only that I needed to get there. On and on I struggled, pleading for an end to this nightmare forest. Every time I fell, I heard a voice urging me on. Dress ripped, hair full of brambles I finally came to a clearing. I collapsed onto the ground, sobbing and heaving. The voice told me to rise.
I stood before a man hidden in shadows.
He told me he could give me anything I desired. He tempted me with freedom, money, fame. He told me he could banish my depression, I would never feel out of control again. He promised me anything, and everything. He was a genie with one wish. What did I want? What did I desire? He could see all my dreams, plans.
Before I could give him my answer, my one true desire and the only thing I truly wished for I was awakened by my son.
I felt like screaming, when my eyes opened. I didn't get to tell him, I felt panicked and couldn't breathe or calm my beating heart. I got out of bed, pacing and shaking. I got Noah out of his room and held him, inhaling the smell of him, rooting myself in now.
My one true wish, all I desire in my heart is to undo Christian being gone.
Reality is knowing there is no undoing death, there is no second chance. There is only my boy and me on the ground crying and him asking me for breakfast.
There is only laying the last perfect rose from my bushes before winter comes on his grave, crying in the sunlight. Staring at my husband at dinner, and he giving me a sad smile as we remember him. There is only a sudden loss of breath when a thought comes , a moment when a scream wells in your throat, a plea for peace in your heart.
It's wanting to grab my sister and hold her, because she is broken so I am broken. She is a part of me, she and me and he, the three siblings brought together by God's design. One lost it all, and the other two are burning from the heat of grief. He and I will tattoo our skin in memory of, we will help carry the burden of her loss and help lift her up and over the mountain looming.
The air thick with missing him, a song came on yesterday as we drove away from his place by the trees. The tears fell as I choked out a thank you to our boy, he sent us a message:
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.
So ride on we will, navigating through the deep waters of grief, until she finds her smile, until her eyes light up again.
I love you, baby sister.
As we go deeper into Autumn, dark comes earlier and earlier. It makes us slow down, talk more quietly, relax a little more. In a few weeks night will come at dinnertime. The nights will get colder, longer, and the birds will leave. The trees will be bare and we will huddle closer together as it gets lonely without the light of the sun.
Thanksgiving will come. For my family it is a day of love and laughter, Togetherness, mistmatched tables stuck together. Elbow to elbow with the ones we cherish. This year we will bow our head in prayer, not just in thanks, but we will pray together for our lost boy.
The seasons are changing, just as our family is changed. As our light got a little less bright, so the world does. But, thoug hwe are weary, we must remember to enjoy the beauty in our days, the glorious riot of color outside our doors. The excitement in our childrens eyes as they pick pumpkins and costumes. We need to remember to keep turning as the world does, and keep celebrating. Celebrating our love for one another, and celebrating Christians beautiful life.
Fall is the most beautiful of seasons. Though my heart is still broken, I am going to write down one thing everyday that I am celebrating.
Today I am celebrating the abundance of color outside my door. What are you celebrating today?