They Own My Heart

I love how each of my kids brings something different to my life. 

This one?  She taught me what it means to be a mom. What fighting for you child really means.  Someday I'll be able to call her mine completely. When we have the money we can get this long overdue adoption done, and the circle will be complete.

Then my boy came along, and he was a dream come true.  He has taught me what unselfish love really means.  Everyday he brings sunshine to my life.  There's nothing quite like a love between a mama and her boy.

And last, but certainly not least, is my little bean. Our unexpected blessing. She makes me laugh everyday.  No matter what we are going through, the joy that flows from her lifts us up. She has taught me how deep my faith really runs. 

When I'm down, they are what get me through the days. These faces, and my family.  I would be nothing without them.  Their smiles, hugs, kisses, and "I love yous," let me know that no matter how bad I feel about myself, they still think I'm a good mama.

All different, but they all have the same thing in common, they own my heart.

I know the truth

Who decides who is worthy
to live and die
The endless depths of my child's eyes
strike you down
Who deemed me unworthy
to be a mother
Because of the scar on my belly

To say a child dying
is better than
the mark on my skin

Who are you to judge the way I birth
The depth of my soul
has an infinite love
that you cannot recognize

We are human
we are flawed
but you make fools of us all

when you spout your edict
that death is preferred

Your cause
is not my cause

It is you
who is not worthy
to stand in the light
of my children's laughter
as you spew your hate
into this world

I did not carry
my oldest child
Did not form her in my womb
She did not fight towards the light
as she left my body
Is she not mine

I can map her features
I know her in my bones
Am I not worthy
to hear her call me Mother

What makes a mother
is it the pain of childbirth
or is it love
Is it an ideal
or is it sacred bond
unbreakable by time

You deem me less than
but you are wrong

through all of time
beginning to end
there will never be
a love like mine

It is unique
one heart overflowing
as I raise three beings
from babe to adult

Cower before my love
bathe in your weakness
who say their way is right
who equate childbirth
with being a woman

Who is the real woman
who carries her children to safety
or who lets a child die
and dismisses the death
for an agenda

My children will not die for you

Call me naive
ill informed

As I dance with my children
as I rock them to sleep
as I trace the planes of their face
whisper in their ears

I know the true sacrifice
to be a mother
is no sacrifice at all

What We Have

This pretty much sums up our weekend:

There are times when you look around at the utter chaos that is your home and think, this is life.
I was so busy rocking baby dolls, driving cars, being a dinosaur, and praising crayon scribbles I forgot to worry about the crumbs in the kitchen. 

As I thumb tacked dinosaur posters bought at a library book sale all over my son's bedroom today, I watched his eyes dance in delight.  Not fancy decorating, but he thinks they are amazing. 

There is the choice, do the dishes or help Ellie swaddle her baby in a blanket?  To tickle feet,to fold some clothes,  to take an afternoon nap with a little warm body pressed into my back?

I always choose a nap!

So we have fingerprints and dustbunnies, stains and crayon on the walls.  We also have blocks to build and play-doh to shape.

The house looks lived in-because we live in it.  We play, and sleep, and eat, and toss into piles, and forget, and get to it eventually.  We have what is that stain and how the hell did they get a pen and mommy can I sleep with your blanket?

We have old sheets, and questionable wallpaper. We have old carpet and ugly cabinets.  We have mismatched furniture and secondhand couches. 

But we have so much more than our stuff.

We have love...oh so much love. 

We have trusting eyes and wide smiles.  We have little bow legs following us down the hall, we have one more kiss before bed, tiny arms wrapped around our neck.  We have one more peek before we lay down for the night, closed eyes and even breathing our cue to finally rest. 

We have prayers as we lay, thanking God for more love than we ever dreamed of.

We get to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.