I cried a few weeks later on the way to the hospital, the morning I had my c-section. I cried because I was nervous, because I was happy, and because I knew she wasn't going to be there to hold my baby. I cried harder when they pulled Elise out and Bobby answered yes to the first question I asked him, if she had dark hair like Grandma wanted.
Those holes inside you, those holes that can only be filled by those people that have left this world, you learn to live with them. But, that pain is always there. That pang I got the other day when I found a card my Grandpa Dilas sent me that he wrote "be my Valentine" on. When I was sewing Noah's dinosaur, oh so badly, I knew my Grandpa Mario would have thought my sewing was hilarious. When I miss them so much, because I know they are really gone. The way I'm crying right now, thinking about her, while it's pouring down rain outside. I still miss her terribly, and I feel guilty because I was so damn irritated with her because she was so miserable. I'm sorry, Grandma.
|That dark haired baby she dreamed about. She got her wish...until Ellie's hair came in lighter, that is.|