A Day in The Life as 5

6:15- Crack eye open and attempt to grab cell phone to turn off the alarm.  Realize arm is numb, and uselessly flop it around.  Grab phone with other hand/turn off alarm.  Grunt at Emily when she comes in to tell me she's awake.

7:10- Tell Emily her goodbyes, I love you's, have a nice days, without unwrapping from burrito blanket. 

7:30- Hear Noah climbing over gate, bring him into bed.  Turn on cartoons, re-burrito myself in the blanket. 

8:00- Hear the tell tale signs of life coming from the youngest Roth's bedroom. Roll out of bed, try to find where in the hell I put the glasses the night before.  Find them on the floor between bed and nightstand. 

8:02- Stumble into Princess E's room to change tiny ass and find something to put on her. Usually a combination of hand me down Noah clothes. 

8:08- Chase Noah through house, tackle, drag by foot into his bedroom. Stuff into clothes. Mop brow, wonder if it's too early for a drink. 

8:11- Let Sir Oliver out of cage, get licked for 3 minutes, let out to pee. 

8:15- Pee. With an audience. 

8:20- Feed spawn, explain for 1000Th time why we can't have cupcakes and chocolate milk for breakfast. 

8:30- Wash/ halfheartedly brush hair/teeth/ put on clean pajamas (where in the hell am I going?)  Brush tiny teeth, wash stickiness off tiny faces. 

9:00- Let the kids eat 3/4 of my cereal. 

9:00-12:00- Play with wee ones, keep Noah off the dog, Do a bit 'o Raptoring on the computer, tell Noah he can't have another snack 400 times.  Pull Noah off the dog, counter, sister, cousin, table, cellphone, out of the dog cage, out of the cupboards, etc. Rinse and repeat. Fantasize about a nice cold amaretto sour. 

12:00-1:00- Nom and cartoons. Take call from husband, tell him I am losing my marbles, like always. Beg him to come home. 

1:00-2:30- Nap time!  Put Ellie to bed, wrestle Noah into my bed. Get up and put him back in my bed.  Chase him through the house and put him back in my bed.  We both pass out from all the exercise. 

2:30- Wake up to small child breathing in my face.  

2:30-4:00- Snacks, playing, pulling Noah off everything, bang head on wall.  Pretend to clean shit. Eye booze on counter....

4:00- Hunker down on couch with computer, hand reins over to freshly showered husband.  Pretend to be deaf/very very very busy. 

5:00-6:00- Make noms.  Tonight was BLT's, seasoned fries, and cauliflower/broccoli/carrot mix.  Run away with kids so Bob and Em have to clean table off.  

6:00-8:30- Pull Noah off everything, look at bank account and quiver, pretend I didn't look at bank account, pin shit i'm never going to do (because of empty bank account) on Pinterest. Pretend to clean shit. Clean piss off floor: Dog and Son's. Wrestle small beings into pajamas, kisses and bed. 

8:30 to now- Write this blog, put Noah back in his bed 5 times, smell yucky puppy farts, watch my husband fall asleep playing Wii.  Too tired to make drink.

Go to bed, and do it all again tomorrow. Hopefully with less puppy farts!