I want money, lots and lots of money...
What does that feel like? To just shop?
To not be crouched over in the food court counting what's left of your fast dwindling money wondering why you even came on a vacation you can't afford in the first place?
I watched a woman buy her teenage daughter a fancy new cover for her expensive phone while I clutched my secondhand from my mom-because ours broke-no bells and whistles-phone in my hand.
I know why we're poor. It's not a mystery. It's the choice we made so I can stay home. Most of the time I don't care, I take deep pride in being a stay at home mama to my babies.
Sometimes though, I want to just buy shit I don't need.
I wanted to buy Emily that hideously ugly skirt she loved at Saks. I wanted to buy Ellie this giant stuffed dog she shed tears over because we had to leave it behind at the toy store. I wanted to buy Noah a giant dinosaur and my husband more than his one hat a year. I wanted to buy Bob and I clothes that aren't three years old, and worn thin.
I just wanted, for a few moments, to forget.
Who hasn't prayed for money to fall into their lap...?
I hate that hesitation when one of my kids hands me something they want. That hesitation while I flip it over to look at the price, because I know I'm going to have to tell them no.
I have to tell myself no all the time. At the grocery store, when something is too expensive. When I need new clothes or shoes, or I want something for the house. Sometimes I want it to be a yes.
I try to live simply, and be grateful for what I have. Is it wrong to want to be someone else for a day, to be greedy?
Is it selfish of me to want things I don't need or do need but can't have....?
Posted by Lindsay R. on Sunday, July 31, 2011