I Keep you With Me

I stand at the sink sudsing up the dishes, radio cranked up.  A song comes on that reminds me of you.  I find myself staring out the window, hands paused, and heart stilled.  So many memories, my dear friend, I live with everyday.  So many times we saved each other from ourselves.  With the twisting and turning of our lives I find myself here without you. It was always you who made me laugh, you were like a second skin.  You knew more about me than anyone, and you loved me anyway. 

The early days, when we first met.  I remember sitting on the counter at Subway, fascinated by your life. The instant ease of our friendship, the give and take. How did we go from there to here, no longer together? How does a friendship deteriorate after so many years?  Was it you, was it me...fate?  Does it matter anymore?  How many heartbreaks did we see each other through, in the end you ended up being one of my biggest. 

I told Bobby the other day, I miss you. I really do, but I remember how far apart we are. Two different lives, shouldn't matter but it did.  It was you, all those nights, laughing and talking and crying.  And now it's not you, it's as easy and as complicated as that.

Remember the booze crashing down the stairs, water fights, late night phone calls. Endless packs of cigarettes in the early morning hours, crazy videos, cookies and milk.  Mattresses dragged into the living room, Shakespeare in Love, homemade salsa. The bars, the boys, the trip to Dayton.  Running from your fish, Denny's in the middle of the night, your giant white couch.  Where did it all go?  Into my memory bank and tear ducts.

How do I let go of you?  That is the lesson I am learning right now.  With anger or regret, fond memories or wistful moments in the kitchen?  A life lesson not taught, how to process the end of the deep love of friendship without losing a part of yourself.  Because I have lost a part of myself, a hole I cannot fill no matter how much I try.

How do I say, without you I would not be me?  Without you I wouldn't have discovered who I could be, how many nights and days and nights all blur together of us talking, mapping out our lives, philosophers on the couch.

Yet, this must be the way life is supposed to happen.  If we believe our paths will lead us straight and true, then what comes what may we deal with, as it is handed to us.

Are you ever frozen by those songs, and laugh at the memories?  Maybe is was Memphis, but there is no Arizona, right?
There is just me, left alone with my memories.  There's just me, without you, my lost friend.

Someday many years from now
We'll sit beside the candles glow
Exchanging tales about our past
And laughing as the memories flow
And when that distant day arrives
I know it will be understood
That friendship is the key to live
And we were friends and it was good.
-Eileen Hehl


  1. some songs does trigger old memories for me. My time was Richard Mark song....Right Here Waiting


  2. I have had this same experience. It happened very recently. My best friend and I have grown apart over the last year. I honestly don't know what happened, but I do know that I miss her. I have tried telling her and we swear it will get better but alas it never does. It hurts and find myself lonely and longing for her. I feel abandoned even though I am not really sure what happened. As we get older friendships seem so much more complicated.

  3. I too have had a similar experince and it felt like I would imagine a break-up with a guy would feel. I wondered what I did wrong. No explanition, no calls returned, no fight, nothing. Obvisosly I did something but she just stopped takling to me. I finially left a message thanking her for always being there, and giving me deep aplogies for any hurt I caused. And, I also mentioned that I would always have fond memoires of us. It helped, but every now and then I find myslef thinking about her. It's nice to know I'm not the only one!! Great post Linsday!!! Thanks!!!

  4. Wonderful, wonderful post and so well-written. You have a way with words.

    BTW, I awarded you with the 'Blog on Fire' award and it's posts like these that is the reason! Click link to go check it out!!


  5. this post has left it's mark on me. i've lost touch with great friends ever since i moved to another country. it's difficult. we all somehow grew apart.

    janie of vB

  6. I love you Schmindzay.....and miss you terribly too.

  7. Too many songs bring back memories. Sometimes I'm in tears over a certain song. I'm not even a girl that cries at a drop of a hat.

    Now following you from VoiceBoks.


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