Anger has a funny way of making you remember past transgressions. This morning I was pissed off and it was like someone took a needle and poked a balloon, and POP a memory surfaced. Someone I won't name told me once no boy would ever want to date me because I had big thighs. Remembering that made me even more angry, because who the hell says that to a teenager? Outside of a Dollar General, in the car, actually. Funny how some things you can still piss you off, no matter how long its been.
Good news, they were wrong!
It made me think, though. How things shape who you are, the choices you make. The choices you make to please others, the choices you make that they don't agree with...and how it affects everything.
I believe some people hope my marriage fails.
I believe some people take advantage of me.
I believe some people talk down to me.
I believe no one wants to hear what I have to say, when it comes to the hard stuff.
Why do people think it's ok to tell me they think something is wrong with my child because he misbehaves?
Why do people think it's ok to question me like a child?
Why am I not allowed to tell people no?
Have you ever wanted say to someone, what do you see when you look at me? You have no idea who I am. You don't even try to see. All you see is what i'm NOT.
I'm not bubbly. I'm not the best housekeeper. I lose my temper. I get upset easily. I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I'm sad for no reason, no matter often you demand one. I get tired easily because keeping my anxiety at bay wears me out. I have very few friends. Shall I go on? Let's stop here.
The thing about all those things? I'm so much better than that.
I am MORE than all the sum of my faults.
I have a husband who loves me, and I love him. I have children who love me, and I love them. I don't have a lot, but what I have is phenomenal. No one can take all my good and try to twist it into something bad.
So, here we go:
I am happy, no matter what you think.
I am done being a doormat.
Your issues are your own.
My choices are my own, start making yours.
Quit throwing things I can't control back at me.
I am allowed to defend myself.
Sometimes I make the wrong choice, and I know it. Please don't remind me.
Your obvious disappointment in me makes my heart hurt.
Quit saying you never and you always, they are untruths.
I am my own person.
My anxiety and depression have nothing to do with you or anyone else. Seriously.
So what happens when anger fades? Maybe you feel weary. Maybe you feel like you've learned something about yourself or the other person. Maybe you sit down and write a blog, knowing the post is going to hurt someone. Maybe it's time for that person to reread what I wrote, and try my shoes on for a few minutes.
I want support, advice. A pat on the back when it gets to be too much. I want what any mom with babies and bills and laundry. I want a smile and a good job, an it gets better, an i'm proud of you.