Today

I was stopped at a red light today, by the high school.  Ellie and on were on our way to our doctor's appointment.

I looked over and saw a little gaggle of teenage girls running and laughing, grabbing onto each other.  The sun was hitting their shiny hair, they were so...free. 

I became a mama when I was 20 years old.  Just a few years older than those carefree girls.  That's when Em came into my world.  Her mom just wasn't up to the task, even though she was still around then. 

I forget what that feeling is, freedom, even watching those girls.  It's been 9 years of mom time for me. 

I love being a mom.  It's beyond the beyond of awesomeness. God has given me so much more than I could ever ask for, and more. 

But, it's scary, and it's hard.  

It's hard going to pick up a two year old from her mom, and she's covered in filth and you're 20 years old and you have no idea what to do. 

It's scary when her mom wants her less and less, and you want her more and more, and you don't know what's this all means.

It's hard explaining to a 5 year old why she can't see mommy right now. 

It's hard to be a newlywed in your first apartment and trying to help and listen to a 5 year old baby scream and cry and throw up for hours day after day after day because she misses her mom.

It's hard when your little kid is having a hard time at school, because she is destroyed inside, and you don't know what to do.

It's scary not knowing where her birth mother is, and so you have to pick her up from the school office everyday for awhile, just to be safe.

It's scary when you try to get pregnant and you can't, for 3 years.

It's scary when you're finally pregnant and you start to bleed, and your doctor says there's nothing to do but wait, and see.  So you wait and see, and cry and pray, and beg and plead.

It's hard when you don't have a nice, smooth pregnancy you can brag to everyone about.

It's scary when you end up having to have a c-section. 

It's scary when you find out your pregnant when your baby is a few months old. 

It's hard to have babies 13 months apart.

It's scary when you're little one has a lot of ups and downs, left and rights.

It's hard watch your 10 year old baby turn into a pre-teen.

It's hard to watch your 2 year old go from a baby to a boy.

It's hard to watch your little baby girl get older everyday, knowing there are no more babies, no matter how much you wanted one more.

I just wanted to scream to those girls that all their problems, all those things they think make their lives so hard, to embrace them.  The boys, the crushes, the first kisses, the pimples right before a dance, the bad grades, the parents who just don't get it, the fighting with friends, the heartache of being a teenager is nothing compared to the heartache of being a mom. 

Every moment is their biggest moment, when they are young and running across the street. 

One of my biggest moments was sitting in her car seat, singing along to a song she didn't know the words to...because she doesn't know a whole lot of words to begin with. 

There is nothing more beautiful in this world to me than my children.  They have filled me with more appreciation, wonder, and awe than I have words for.  They are the hardest, the scariest, the most tiring, wondrous creatures. They breathe life into me, they anchor me to this world. 

Those little girls running, someday they will be mamas, their shiny hair will fade, their carefree smiles will turn into smiles of joy, and pain, and pride.  I used to be one of them, now i'm just some lady, staring from a minivan, wishing them all the happiness, (and the hard and scary parts) i've been blessed with, while my baby girl sings me a song.

7 comments:

  1. I loved reading this. I love your honesty. High five to you. Thank you for sharing. Great post. Cynthia

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  2. Linsday this is a beautiful post! Just gorgeous! You captured a lot of my own feelings in your words even though parts of our stories are so different. Thank you!

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  3. Everything you said about your step-daughter spoke to me directly. I can attest to everything right down to the physical toll that missing her ‘real’ mom took on my step-daughter, who is only 15 years younger than me… and whose mother walked out of her life. Lord knows, I felt so lost, like this was just too big for me.

    Just yesterday though, her real mom’s foster mother (who still pops in her life from time to time) got her a cell phone out of the blue during a visit. Unfortunately, her dad and I decided and discussed with her long ago that we don’t want her to have a cell phone until she’s older, so we had to thank her grandmother, but give it back. Oh man! How Mary cried! It was as if her whole word had been shattered to bits -- but you know what? In my heart, I was thanking God that this is the kind of thing she gets upset about now… The trivial things that SHOULD be a young girl’s biggest disappointments.

    Thank you for this beautiful post.

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  4. Great post! How wonderful you are for making a difference in the life of your step-daughter when her mom couldn't!

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  5. Thanks for the great comments!

    Alicia, it was so haunting to watch her, and know nothing was going to make her feel better. I'm so glad its five, almost six years later, because she is so happy now, and has "normal" kid problems.

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  6. *and by normal I mean clothes, hairdo's, and annoying parents. : )

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  7. Loved this. I can't imagine what would make a person treat their child like that. Like they were something to just throw away. I'm so glad you were there to catch her.

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