Have You Seen Me?

Living with this anxiety problem is not easy.  I've spent so long not feeling good, I don't even know what it is anymore.  The body aches, stomach aches, head aches. The worrying.  The constant, never ending worrying.

Counseling is helping, and I thought the medicine was helping, too.  Then it stopped. It wasn't strong enough.  It made me depressed.  I got a higher dose.  My body is not responding well to it, either.  On top of feeling even more depressed, I have body aches again.  Headaches.  Memory issues. I can't concentrate. My hands shake on and off.  I'm not anxious, though.  Is it worth the side effects?  Some days, most days, I do nothing except play with the kids, cook dinner, and lay on the couch at night.  What kind of life is this?  I yell at my husband without knowing why.  I feel so out of control.  I hate this.  I feel like the worst person.  I feel worthless.  

It's hard to explain to someone sitting across from me (in person) how out of control I feel. How to explain to them how stupid I feel for not being able to do the simplest things.  How I feel like everyone is tired of me, impatient.  How ashamed I am.  So ashamed.  How overwhelmed I feel doing simple things, like picking up toys.   I go to counseling every week and I tell him how ashamed I am of myself.  How full of guilt I am for being like this.  How I wish I could just snap out of it and be normal.  How I feel like I'm ruining everything, all the time. I told him last week I hope my kids don't remember this when they are older.  He says they'll remember I love them, and that's all that matters.  He helps me through it, and I leave feeling hope.  Then I get home and I lose myself again. 

I don't know what to do.  I go to the doctors soon.  Maybe she'll have something else we can try.  All I know is I have to keep hope alive. I have to figure out a way through this.