Living with this anxiety problem is not easy. I've spent so long not feeling good, I don't even know what it is anymore. The body aches, stomach aches, head aches. The worrying. The constant, never ending worrying.
Counseling is helping, and I thought the medicine was helping, too. Then it stopped. It wasn't strong enough. It made me depressed. I got a higher dose. My body is not responding well to it, either. On top of feeling even more depressed, I have body aches again. Headaches. Memory issues. I can't concentrate. My hands shake on and off. I'm not anxious, though. Is it worth the side effects? Some days, most days, I do nothing except play with the kids, cook dinner, and lay on the couch at night. What kind of life is this? I yell at my husband without knowing why. I feel so out of control. I hate this. I feel like the worst person. I feel worthless.
It's hard to explain to someone sitting across from me (in person) how out of control I feel. How to explain to them how stupid I feel for not being able to do the simplest things. How I feel like everyone is tired of me, impatient. How ashamed I am. So ashamed. How overwhelmed I feel doing simple things, like picking up toys. I go to counseling every week and I tell him how ashamed I am of myself. How full of guilt I am for being like this. How I wish I could just snap out of it and be normal. How I feel like I'm ruining everything, all the time. I told him last week I hope my kids don't remember this when they are older. He says they'll remember I love them, and that's all that matters. He helps me through it, and I leave feeling hope. Then I get home and I lose myself again.
I don't know what to do. I go to the doctors soon. Maybe she'll have something else we can try. All I know is I have to keep hope alive. I have to figure out a way through this.